the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
