I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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