I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize