I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
