yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
