Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
