Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
well you can't waste a boner
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
