I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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