I can text with my tongue
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
