just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
