The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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