I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
