The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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