Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
