My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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