Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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