: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize