bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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