At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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