so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
