I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
is this the sara with the beer cane?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
