I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
there is glitter all over my balls
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