I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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