Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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