The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
