dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
