Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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