Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
