Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I AM VODKA MAN
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
