I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
