They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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