The maid of honor just puked.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
