I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
