well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize