We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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