Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
