I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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