I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
