I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
