Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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