I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
