I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I looked at my own cervix.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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