I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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