umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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