i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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