I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
