Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
