His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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