I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize