He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
