this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
