Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
