advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
