I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We left the knife in your bed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
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