There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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