my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
