Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
