DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
