So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
