69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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