Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
