i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
