areolas are like halos for boobs.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
