The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
