ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
