When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
