There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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