every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
