I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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