tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
