Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
